The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Randomize
