"it" just moved
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Randomize
