I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
