i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
