I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
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