when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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