I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
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