Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Randomize
