The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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