i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
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