I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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