Your mouth is God's brothel.
Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
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