Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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