The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
