If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
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