I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Randomize
