Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Randomize
