Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
