Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
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