I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
