well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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