Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
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