And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
