Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
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He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
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Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
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