He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Can vaginas get frostbite?
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Randomize
