Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Randomize
