Sponge bath it is.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
