I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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