I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
Randomize
