We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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