When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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