Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Randomize
