A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
