90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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