He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
Randomize
