He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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