You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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