Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Randomize
