y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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