Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
