We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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