I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
