I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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