not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink