You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
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