I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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