you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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