I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
