we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Randomize
