Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
