I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
this boner is exhausting
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Randomize
