Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
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Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
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