i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
even my farts smell like vagina
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
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