There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Randomize
